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Ray LaMontage – Shelter

March 2, 2006

There are nights when I can’t sleep but I feel like I should. Nights when I’m not drowsy and wish that I was. You can chalk tonight up as one of those nights. I feel like my sleeping patterns have been forever altered as a result of the hours that I’m allowed to keep as a student, for better or worse.

I really feel like, and have for some time, that my iPod serves as the soundtrack to my life and playing in my ears as I walk down the sidewalk (no I’m not one of those disgustingly pretentious people who takes their iPod with them to the grocery store or anything) but it’s interesting how a song comes on and it clicks for the moment and you wonder if the ‘random’ selection is really all that random.

There are days when I feel small, when I feel like at any point, the Earth could swallow me up. I think it’s easy not to feel that way because so many of our lives are centered around our own interests, our own passions, our own relationships and so it’s easy to get distracted from the vast hugeness of absolutely everything. But I was thinking about a line in a song the other day and it goes “They’ll be centuries left when you’re gone” and I thought about what that really meant and it’s absolutely true. Whenever your time comes, the world isn’t going to stop moving, life will go on, a newspaper will be printed the next day without your obituary in it and I think that’s a concept that people don’t think about. That once you die, you stop being a person and a life and start being a memory to the people you love. It seems morbid but it really isn’t. I think it’s oddly beautiful. And I think it really speaks to the way I’d like to live my life, have an impact on people to the extent that when I leave, whenever that is, the impact that I have on someone will go on longer than me, and maybe only one or two people longer than me but hey it’s something..

I know sometimes it seems like when people read these entries, it may seem like I’m… desperate is an awful word and ultimately inaccurate because that’s not it. It’s just that it seems like there are so many mysteries in life, so much stuff to figure out, so much stuff to marvel at and enjoy, that it’d be nice just to have one thing out of the way…. Now that sounds terrible. I don’t know what more to say about it really. I feel like I’ve had so much love or potential love come and go in my life that sometimes I feel like I’m more of a spectator to dating, more like a commentator on the way people relate to one another and how I wish the game would be but ultimately understanding that it’s not and probably never will be that way. The cute girl will never stop falling for the guy that she fully understands can never really understand or appreciate her, you’ll never talk to the cute guy in your biology class (I had to represent the ladies.. I haven’t resorted to dating men.. but if things keep up.. guys.. look out). That idea that if you never try, you never know is always a great thing for inspirational quotations to put on your mirror but when you’re about to ask the cute waitress for her number, your heart tells itself “You know, this not knowing thing, might not be so bad”. I just feel like all of the great cliches by which to live life are ultimately fine in theory but absolute shit in practice.

Good night.

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