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March 27, 2006

Every day feels the same
the same numbness
not even the morning cold startles me
Pierces me into motion
I trek on
The music in my ears a droning anthem
A reminder of the passion I should have
But for one reason or another do not
It’s funny little scenarios
Play out in my head
All completely in retrospective
Of what I should have done
Clever things I should have said
That as the rain drops hit me
And my heart raced
And my brain scrambled to find a thought
I couldn’t find the words to say
I guess even as I stand here
On the verge of what is left
I’m still the same little boy
Making long steps over mudpuddles
I wear sunglasses when it’s cloudy
To hide the insecurity that bleeds through my every look
I am all of these things that I’m not
I am all of these things that I’m afraid to be
I am all of these things that I’ve been
When everything else is taken away
The clouds part
My pupils dialate
I am just treading water
Biding my time
Trading who I’m with for a player to be named later
And all the while knowing that all of this
The sound of raindrops hitting the pavement
The sound of tires turning on wet asphalt
And all of the thoughts racing through my head when I saw her
Could end.. at any moment.. unexpectedly
Just say something…

Today’s Greatest Hit (8.28.05)

There are people in your life that just.. get you. And it’s one of those things that you know almost suddenly. You talk to them and you connect and you both know it. And for those people that I have in my life, I am and will eternally be grateful for. I will be eternally grateful for them because I know, without them, I’d be lost at sea. As Johnny C. McGinley would put it I would need to replace “the captain of my brain ship, because he’s clearly drunk at that wheel”. It’s the people I have in my life, my support staff, that keep me on my feet and make me realize that everyday, no matter what’s going on in my life, everyday I spend on this planet, without sounding trite, is beautiful. And sure I may have shitty luck with women, or no luck with women as the case may be, and sure sometimes I feel like I’m lying next to the thinly veiled siloheutte of someone I’ve never even met, and sure some nights I watch the news stare out my window and wonder how such a beautiful place could be so scary and fucked…but I know that I have people that, even when I stagger, point me in the direction of the finish line. I feel like I don’t need to do a roll call of the people in my life that mean everything to me because I feel like they know who they are, I feel like hopefully I do a good enough job of telling or showing them how much they mean to me in my fight to keep my ship afloat. I love that line in Little Victories (What up Matty?).. “I’ll be awful sometimes… weakened to my knees…but I’ll learn to get by… on the little victories” and sometimes that’s how I feel. I’m not always the easiest guy in the world to get a long with. I’m moody, particular, a little high maintenance, obsessed with the passions in my life, the things that make me go.. but I’d like to think at the center of all that is a guy with an incredibly big heart with a lot to give the people in his life. And I hope that by reminding the people around me how much I care for them and how much I need them to help me bail water that it warrants them hanging around. Whenver I get down about anything in my life, I think about the handful of people that I have in my life that would light themselves on fire just to make me laugh (and it would… I mean come on, people catching on fire.. I know you’re smiling right now just thinking about it…). I guess quite simply put, it’s like that line in Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters…”And I thank the lord there are people out there like you.” Well said, Sir Elton, well said…

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