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Stop trying to figure it out..

June 20, 2006

I feel like I should maybe start writing here with more regularity. I’ve just recently gotten into the habit of making myself write in my actual journal, the flowery pink one that says “Princess” on the front in glitter glue on my bedside stand. I feel like sometimes if you make yourself think about how you feel enough to write it down, slow your brain down and process your thoughts in a way that form a complete sentence then you begin to see things in stark contrast.

I’ve recently come to the conclusion that the reason I wake up in the morning, the things that make me go are the people in my life. I’ve said this for a long time that I’m so lucky to have the people that I have in my life because those are the people I would have chosen in the beginning. I’m lucky to have people that love me in spite of myself. People that tolerate me when I find a new band that I love that I can’t shut the fuck up about. People that understand that I have car window ADD and can only have the car window down for like 5 seconds at a time before rolling it up, only to have it rolled back down momentarily. Life’s all about the connections you make. I like stuff. I have a new TV that I love and I unashamedly love JCrew and their wonderful world of dress shirts, ties, and just about anything for the preppy, quasi-fratty man on the go. But that’s not what life’s about. Those things can’t make you whole. They can’t make you laugh, well I guess your TV can indirectly. It’s the people that you have in your life and the relationships that you have in your life that make life worth living.

We all have a very finite time here. I think it’s so hard to live each day to the fullest, we get so bogged down by our routines, and deadlines, and due dates and bills. I’ve always said that I wish that I could practice that concept a little more, put it into use in my everyday life. Where I live now, that’s entirely possible. I drive down U.S. 98 everyday morning and I think ‘you know if I turn left here and go about half a mile, I’ll be at the fucking beach… I think life’s going to be ok.” I’m beginning to sound like Tony Robbins or a motivational speaker but I feel like I’m someone who lives in their own head, I’m constantly thinking about my life, about my relationships with people (romantic or otherwise) and so it’s nice to feel like through all of the hardships, I finally gained some insight.

Life is about love. Period. Life is about your friendships with people. Your relationships with your parents. The people that you love romantically. I feel like people sometime get too overanalytical and dismissive of their own feelings and passions (especially those who have been to therapy) and that’s like stripping someone of their humanity. Life is about passion. Passion for the people and the things that we care about that make us go. I guess I’m maybe finally learning to let go a little. Accept that there are things in my life that I’ll never understand and maybe that’s ok. And it’s ok that I’m an insomniac sometimes because of completely unrelated thoughts. Or that.. yes… I’m going to go ahead and throw it out there, I think about my wedding. That’s right. I said it. I think about how I’m going to feel when I’m standing at the altar and I’ve got Brendan and Zac and K-Squibbs behind me and that woman is walking down the aisle towards me to “When Doves Cry” by Prince.. ok maybe not… and I’ll know that this is the person that I’m going to be with until the day that I die. Being secure in that feeling has to be one of the most comforting and calming feelings there is. Looking into someone’s eyes and thinking “I’d follow you anywhere.” What else is there?

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