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Rivers turn to ocean, Oceans tide you home..

June 21, 2006

I had someone ask me today if what I wrote yesterday was for real. I always feel slightly embarrassed about how impassioned I get about writing, especially when people ask me. All I can usually tell them is… “Umm yeah, well I was listening to Keane.. so I’m not really responsible for what happens after that.”

I’ve always been really bad at.. keeping things to myself I guess. I’ve never really understood concepts like holding back or keeping things inside. I’m really bad at internalizing how I feel. It’s just that sometimes.. ok a lot of the time.. my heart feels this need to be understood. And sometimes it hits. Sometimes you say something to a girl in the most articulate but simple way you can and it just hits her. She’s silent for a second and she says “Thank you” in a way that lets you know that made her a little warmer, not in a way that makes you feel like you just gave her her salad at the Olive Garden. And those are the little victories. Those are the moments. The really romantic moments. Not these big flowery things you see in romantic comedies.. not like the speech Billy Crystal says at the end of “When Harry Met Sally” (however pitch perfect it might be). It’s not spelling a girl’s name in candles in her front yard (especially if that gesture results an uncontrollable brushfire). It’s moments where you look at her and go “You make me want to be better”. I think there’s only a couple ways that you can explain it to someone to make them really feel it.

I wonder about the consequences about living my life filter-free. Allowing my heart to speak whenever it feels like it, regardless of what the consequences might be. And it’s not a voluntary thing. I just don’t know any better. And the more I think about it. I’m not sure I’d choose to be any other way. There’s a motto that I try to live my life by. And that’s “Say what you mean and mean what you say.” And if I feel a certain way about someone. I can’t mask it. I’ve never been good at playing hard to get. It’s hard for me to pretend like someone’s an afterthought when they’re all I’ve thought about all day. It’s not enough to say something to somebody. It’s not enough to tell her she’s beautiful if you don’t get knots when your stomach as you watch her get ready. It’s not enough to tell her how special she is to you if you don’t think she has a cute laugh. Just say what you mean and mean what you say. If everytime she looks at you you get nervous, the good kind of nervous not the kind of nervous that makes you wonder if she has any prior felony convictions, then tell her that. If everytime she nuzzles you and makes that nuzzle sound (guys you know what I’m talking about), then squeeze her a little tighter, let her know she’s safe.

I think the best feeling is the world is being with someone who makes you feel like nothing else in the world matters outside of the moment you’re in.

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