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I’m not a stone, I’m just a man

June 26, 2006

I’m listening to Jim Croce right now, as I often do. And I’ve written before about where songs like “Operator” and “Lover’s Cross” take me. They take me back to being 7 years old, staring out the window of my dad’s car, the big open skies of the Adirondacks above me. My memory is a real tricky thing for me. There are things that I remember, little things.. intricate details. Visual cues, smells, whether or not it was raining. And there are times, instances in my life that I wish I could forget. That I wish I had the ability to not remember. But I digress. I remember sitting in the back of the station wagon, listen to my dad sing “Lover’s Cross” and stare out the window. The flourescent red light of the instrument panel reflecting onto the driver’s side window. It just kind of floated there, like something out of Star Trek. I was always really amused by that. But I think that’s how music works for me. It serves as postcards for moments in my life. I was listening to an interview with Mayer not long ago where he talked about “Your Body is a Wonderland” begin, at best, a where were you in the summer of 2002 song. And I feel that way about certain songs. There are songs that I have very specific memories. I remember listening to “Not Myself” driving home from work and feeling like I could have written that song, singing it to no one in particular. And I love music for that. I love the idea of having a song that’s “your song” and it’s cute, stupid stuff like that that I think makes love worth all of the frustration, anxiety and angst that it can sometimes cause. But that’s another matter all together.

Tomorrow is my parent’s 25th wedding anniversary so if you see them.. congratulate them. They’re dynamite people and ugh.. I can’t begin to explain how much they mean to me. I’m not just a momma’s boy, i’m a dad’s boy, too. I credit every positive attribute I possess to my parents and the way I raised. My mom taught me how to be selfless and how to love unconditionally and to give of yourself. She taught me how to love. My father taught me how to be a man, be accountable for what you do, always work hard and always do your best but to never forget that family is what’s really important. He taught me that I could still be a man, still love sports and still be sensitive and still tell me that he loved me and my brother and my sister. They are just so special and I don’t know what I did to deserve such dynamite parents but I’ll spend my lifetime trying to repay them for everything they’ve given me. I don’t mean to get like super Hallmark Channel but when it comes to my parents, I get a little gushy because they mean that much to me.

So it’s official. Someone close to me is engaged. (sidenote: Congratulations to Ad-rock and L-Mo). I think between this and my box of business cards in my desk at work, I think I can officially mark the death of my young adulthood. But maybe that’s not such a bad thing. I was listening to Timothy Rice-Oxley (from Keane) talk about a song on the new record and talk about how it was kind of inspired by the idea that as you get older, just by default, you kind of lose your dreams and yourself in the routines of getting older. And how sad that is. And that the song is just about wanting one more chance to make up for lost time. And I think that’s such an easy thing to do. It’s easy when you wake up next to the same person everyday to forget how you felt when you woke up that first time and looked at her and went all fuzzy inside. But I think it’s important to remember how crazy and fucked up the world is and if you can find someone who can make you feel ok about all of that and also puts up with your shit when you get all self-righteous about your musical tastes, the grass is never greener than that. You might think it is.. but it’s probably astroturf. And getting older is part of the process. Thinking about things like filing your taxes, health insurance plans, and 401ks and viewing them to be as applicable to your life as having a sex change operation. Those things become more attainable and managable. Getting older is inevitable. You either deal with it in a way that makes you feel cool that you wear a tie to work everyday or you hate what you do and end up missing out on.. well, life.

I think sometimes that we know what we want. We know what is ultimately best for us. It’s just a matter of allowing ourselves to bypass all of the things that we think are wrong with us, the obstacles we think are in the way of being really, truly happy. I think about Suspended and I think about hearing Matty say one time that that song was about meeting someone who makes you excited to be alive and lifts you above all of the insecurities and the things that you think are wrong with you. I think that’s kind of the idea. That you meet someone who makes you feel like the world isn’t the place you see on the 6 o’clock news. You know with the wars, and the terrorism, and the politicians, yeah that place. That’s not the world.. well not all of it. The world is also that moment where you wrap your arms around her and tell her everything’s going to be ok and meaning it because you’re going to do everything you can to make sure she’s ok. The world is also that moment when you’re out with her, walking around, holding hands and she grabs your arm with other hand and rests her head on your arm and you get butterflies as you glance down at her and smile. The world’s not such a bad place after all…

Song that was playing when I finished this:

David Gray
Smile
Sell Sell Sell

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