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I don’t think I want to think about it…

July 3, 2006

It’s really interesting to me to think about the things in my life that haven’t lasted, for whatever reason. Whether it’s my love for something or someone, a romance or a friendship. It’s interesting to think back on any time in your life, once something in your life has kind of faded away. The times you had with that person become a little fuzzier and you begin to wonder what happened that got you to where you are. Resenting that person and everything in your life that symbolizes their impact on it.

“Why do I keep finding myself so surprised by qualities you openly have advertised?” I find that line is more true about half of the relationships I’ve ever had in my life. That line by the way is from an amazing song by We Are Scientists called “Lousy Reputation”. Download it.. it’ll the best .99 you’ve spent in a while. I think about the people in my life that I’ve cared for and the things that I knew about them and tried to accept are inevitably the same things that drove us apart. I’m reminded of this Dustin Hoffman interview I read in GQ like two years ago where he talked about his ex-wife and saying that there’s nothing he learned about her in 5 years that he didn’t know in the first five minutes. I think he was exaggerating but there’s a point to that. The flaws you see in a person are what they are. You can close your eyes and try to make them go away but they will always be there. You shouldn’t constantly be surprised when the person you’re dating is outrageously immature when you knew that about her from the beginning. When you said she was silly but that you liked that about her. That’s not necessarily true. You tricked yourself into thinking it was ok. Until the third night in a row when she’s telling you about her cravings for cake when you need someone to talk to about your day. I guess I’m just a little tired of giving so much and getting a fourth of that in return. I guess to some extent I’ll always give more than I’ll ever get back. Maybe that’s what life is about. Always feeling a little less than fully satisifed and just finding temporary ways to fill the void. That’s a little cynical.. I’m sorry. I believe in love.. I really believe in being happy.. but sometimes it just feels like there’s nothing real about that. But I don’t know why I keep finding myself so surprised by qualities she openly has advertised…

That’s not to say that there is someone out there who is perfect for you, either. Because I’m not sure I believe in that either. Everyone has flaws and I’d like to think that love is acknowledging your flaws and that of another person and trying to make it work in spite of the things that you think are wrong with yourself and them. Ultimately I think love is about looking at someone, running your fingers over their nicks and dings and saying “It’s still driveable”. Love is about finding someone who makes you feel ok about the things that are wrong with you, who lift you above all of the negative shit you think about yourself, make you feel pretty (or handsome), loved, wanted, respected, valued, appreciation. Make you forget that you think that your ears are disproportiantely small compared to your fat Irish head. Make you forget about all of the things that make you feel insecure.. just by being there.

Song that was playing when I finished this:
Bloc Party
Silent Alarm

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