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So many possibilities… to not be alone…

September 7, 2006

It’s weird to be 22. To be living this life and have no idea how I got here or what I’m doing really. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You have no conscious feeling of time lapsing. Time happens around you. I guess when I really think about, it makes me want to take advantage of it. Take advantage of the fact that every minute that ticks by is a minute of my life that I can’t get back. But yet the monotony of routines and obligations prevents me from doing that. Prevents any of us, the inherently weathly not withstanding, from doing that. I wonder how long ago my parents just kind of woke up and when “holy shit, one of my kids graduated from college, one of them is about to graduate and my youngest is in high school.” I think life happens that fast. I feel like so much of my life is spent looking forward to stuff or looking backward at stuff that’s already happened to me. I just wonder when all of that stops being important, when you start living in the now rather than what’s next or what’s coming up. I guess that’s what introspection is all about, isn’t it? Looking at yourself, not necessarily in a critical way, and looking at where you are now.

My understanding of how time works and especially how fast it works has made me appreciate the people in my life. Made me realize that my time here is brief, it seems a lot longer than it is, so if you have people in your life that can make you laugh, give you a sense of belonging, then you get through anything. You can get through your own anxieties and insecurities, any obstacle in your way is easily overcome. And that’s really special.

There are songs that I listen to, that I think are note-for-note perfect. And one of those songs for me is New Deep by John Mayer. I know this isn’t very indie of me but I see a lot of myself in those lyrics. I think it’s a tune about just kind of giving in and accepting that there’s a lot in your life that will happen to you that you will never understand that you’ll never make sense of.. no matter how hard you try. Deep down, the harder you try to figure it out, the more frustrated you’ll get that you can’t make sense of it. Cause ever since I’ve tried, trying not to find, every little meaning in my life, it’s been fine, I’ve been cool… with my new golden rule. I think there are things in my life that I should accept.

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